Difficult Decisions

My mom has brain cancer. There I said it. I wish she could. It's bad that it is inoperable. It's bad that it is aggressive. It's bad that it is likely going to claim her life in less than 2 years taking her before she's even fully eligible for Social Security. It's bad that she is only 62. It's bad she's had to work so hard to end up with no time or the ability to really enjoy life. The worst part is that the location of the tumor affects her vision, hearing, speech and emotion. So even though we've never gotten along like the Bradys or the Cleavers, it is now far worse than even Rosanne.

I've always felt like I disappointed her, never living up to the dreams she so badly wanted for me. I know she wanted more for me, but instead of appreciating who I am, she continued to try to change me to be more like her. I guess it explains why I am so difficult now. But I am okay with who I am. Yes, I am sarcastic but rarely do I ever intend to hurt someone else. I enjoy laughing - loudly - and she thinks I am silly. I like to let my hair be wild, she thinks I should have it styled weekly and tape it at night. I like to eat out or try new things, she thinks I should cook at home every night with a meat and two veggies (at least one must be green) and serve bread and milk. I like CSI, she likes Matlock. I like baseball, basketball and football, she likes watching or listening to the Bill Gaither Homecoming. Seriously, how many days in a row or month can be considered a homecoming? Get home already and stop singing about it!

Anyway, she's lost the ability to reason well and tonight was a prime example. I mentioned at 10:00 p.m. that she needed to take her medication. She immediately snapped at me that she knew exactly what to take - one pill. I tried, very nicely, to explain that because we had gone out for dinner she missed her 8:00 dose and needed to take it plus the other pill she takes at 10:00. Naturally she didn't trust me, and although my brother backed me up and I said nothing else, it escalated to ridiculous proportions and had my mom and brother yelling at each other, she started crying and Matt ended up getting her pills.

Here's the difficult part...my brother will be leaving Thursday to return to England which means all her care will fall to me solely. The one she hates and doesn't trust. We did all agree that we need to get her into an assisted living place for round the clock care - but it's not like we can move her in tomorrow. We've got a house, a condo, and a car to sell. We got furniture to get rid of, stuff to pack, and things to organize. Additionally we need to get her disability to begin, her retirement to start, and her insurance issues settled. I've got to shuttle her to doctor appointments, radiation, and chemo while trying to keep my job. I have to schedule sitters and drivers and worry about meals. I've had to cancel the vacation I was planning with the boys since it is in the middle of her treatments. I'm not looking to whine, I just feel overwhelmed.

It makes the most sense financially to move her into my house - we have enough room. But the real question, do I have enough patience to move her here while I sort out the other stuff and then put her in assisted living? Can I tolerate the mood swings, the yelling, the cursing, and the complete distrust she has in me? I know it is the right thing to do but is it worth my sanity?

Please, please be in prayer for her and me.

Goggle Boy

Forget Batman, Superman, Spiderman, or that new guy Ironman. Check out this new super hero - Goggle Boy. Apparently when you can't decide which ones you like better, you just wear them both. Deanna thinks Ironman might be cool according to these pics...but Goggle Boy has two sets, Ironman just the one. Sometimes less is more but in the case, more is more. Go Goggle Boy - save the world from too much chlorine in pools across the world.

It's All About Me

Today is finally my day! No, it wasn't Mother's Day because neither of my *ahem* wonderful children got me anything. That's right, not a present, not a card, not even an acknowledgement. Both of them however enjoyed eating out along side me when I took my own mom out and presented her with a present and a card. Ok, enough whining. Here is why it is my day...

I am a C.H.A.M. That means I passed my test and am now officially a Certified Healthcare Access Manager. The test was harder than I originally thought and yes, it took me a second time to pass. What makes it so great is that I am the first one at my hospital to have this certification. Yep, of the 4000+ employees I am the only one who is a CHAM. I get to add some initials to my email signature. I get to have my name printed in the NAHAM (National Association of Healthcare Access Managers) Directory and not everyone there has this certification. I get a certificate for framing and pin to wear on my name badge. I feel special.

Sure today Matt found out the girl he has been dreaming about is finally single and yes I am excited that Andrew got a 92 on his math notebook (previous quarters have not seen the notebook grade above a 70), but today is mine. I'll celebrate them tomorrow, right now, it's all about me!

Happy Mother's Day

A friend of mine reminded me that God gives you the children you're supposed to have. I believe that too, but seem to forget it in the madness of school, homework, laundry, skinned knees, bee stings, broken bones, outrageous grocery bills, football, basketball, baseball, soccer, video games, missing curfew, sleepovers, and dirty dishes.

But with all that comes the most amazing unconditional love. From the early days when only mom's arms will stop the crying, when a mother's kiss takes the hurt away, and when a hug is all you need, children bring the greatest memories and love into a family.

For every grocery bill and dirty dish I am thankful my children did not go hungry today.
For every sleepover I am thankful my children have friends.
For every homework assignment and school I am thankful my children are being educated.
For every load of laundry I am thankful my children have clean clothes to wear.
For every skinned knee, bee sting, and broken bone, I am thankful my children have access to quality medical care.
For every sporting event they participate in, I am thankful for their ability and good health.
For every video game, I am thankful for their dexterity and coordination.
And for every missed curfew, I am thankful they still arrived home safely so I can hug, kiss and punish them!
For both of my children, Matthew and Andrew, I am eternally grateful and thankful to God for entrusting His children to me.

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing moms I know and thank you for continually inspiring me to be better!

Better is One Day Out of Court

It was bad enough I knew the fine for Matt's speeding (52 in a 35) was going to be $176.25, but did we REALLY have to go to court also? Yes! If a driver under 21 is ticketed for a reportable offense (one that carries points which will be assessed against your driver's license) then court appearance is mandatory. Now, here is some advice for those of you who've not had the pleasure of traffic court:

• Arrive Early. Just because the ticket says court begins at 9:00 a.m. don't wait until then to go. In Duluth you are seen by the order of your arrival.
• Do NOT under any circumstances expect that you can take your cell phone in the court room, even if you have it on silent and it is in your pocket.
• If you have a metal belt buckle, expect the metal detector to alarm and know you shall suffer the subsequent search and fondling by the police.
• If the row says "Reserved" do not attempt to sit on the edge, even if no other seating is available. Simply wait for someone else to be arraigned and leave.
• Bring something to read or you will be forced to listen to lame stories and apologies from people who refuse to admit guilt.
• If you can't pay your fine, no worries, you can be put on probation where you have to report every month and it's like a "pay as you go" plan. But be careful, that line is as long as the one to get in the courtroom.
• Expect to see people you know, but do not attempt to make eye contact or give a nod of recognition. Apparently if you are caught with marijuana you don't want your friend's mom eyeballing you.
• If you want to go first, hire an attorney - they always get to the front of the line. In our experience, everyone charged with DUI had an attorney so we heard all those cases first.
• Do not expect justice to actually be served.

Even Matt didn't receive justice (he should have suffered under his original charge as he was guilty), but he did receive mercy. His speeding was reduced to "going too fast for conditions" which carries no points. The fine is the same amount and he must complete a defensive driving course within 30 days and then return June 4th with certificate in hand to have his case closed.

The worst part of the day for me was my disgust at the DUI offenders who ALL got their sentences reduced and none of them lost their license. How is that even possible? Caught drunk driving but only slapped with a fine and time served at the initial arrest. It somehow seems wrong that these people could leave court for a DUI and go celebrate their freedom with a drink. I guess they have to actually hurt someone or something for justice to be served.

Bent, Broken and Booted

Have you ever watched your child from afar and thought, "Wow, he (or she) is really graceful," or "this kid is so amazing I'll bet they could be a professional athlete." I used to think that about Matt but then he became a teenager and all hope was abandoned. Tuesday morning, as he prepared for school, he managed to step wrong, fall down the stairs, and break his ankle, AGAIN. He broke it this same time last year in a freak play at third base. This time when we went to the ER (and were greeted with the red carpet treatment of the frequent visitors who have paid enough in copays to qualify as a donating foundation member) the doctor made it clear that his ankle would not be supportive of long term athletic dreams. There is just too much "junk" in there with scar tissue and calcium deposits. Fortunately Matt had already given up aspirations of being a professional athlete. Now he is officially on the DL and sporting a lovely boot. Maybe that will earn him some sympathy when we face the judge Monday for his speeding violation. If not, I might have to borrow the boot to kick his...well you know.

Laminin

Google Laminin, but watch this clip first - absolutely amazing.