Difficult Decisions

My mom has brain cancer. There I said it. I wish she could. It's bad that it is inoperable. It's bad that it is aggressive. It's bad that it is likely going to claim her life in less than 2 years taking her before she's even fully eligible for Social Security. It's bad that she is only 62. It's bad she's had to work so hard to end up with no time or the ability to really enjoy life. The worst part is that the location of the tumor affects her vision, hearing, speech and emotion. So even though we've never gotten along like the Bradys or the Cleavers, it is now far worse than even Rosanne.

I've always felt like I disappointed her, never living up to the dreams she so badly wanted for me. I know she wanted more for me, but instead of appreciating who I am, she continued to try to change me to be more like her. I guess it explains why I am so difficult now. But I am okay with who I am. Yes, I am sarcastic but rarely do I ever intend to hurt someone else. I enjoy laughing - loudly - and she thinks I am silly. I like to let my hair be wild, she thinks I should have it styled weekly and tape it at night. I like to eat out or try new things, she thinks I should cook at home every night with a meat and two veggies (at least one must be green) and serve bread and milk. I like CSI, she likes Matlock. I like baseball, basketball and football, she likes watching or listening to the Bill Gaither Homecoming. Seriously, how many days in a row or month can be considered a homecoming? Get home already and stop singing about it!

Anyway, she's lost the ability to reason well and tonight was a prime example. I mentioned at 10:00 p.m. that she needed to take her medication. She immediately snapped at me that she knew exactly what to take - one pill. I tried, very nicely, to explain that because we had gone out for dinner she missed her 8:00 dose and needed to take it plus the other pill she takes at 10:00. Naturally she didn't trust me, and although my brother backed me up and I said nothing else, it escalated to ridiculous proportions and had my mom and brother yelling at each other, she started crying and Matt ended up getting her pills.

Here's the difficult part...my brother will be leaving Thursday to return to England which means all her care will fall to me solely. The one she hates and doesn't trust. We did all agree that we need to get her into an assisted living place for round the clock care - but it's not like we can move her in tomorrow. We've got a house, a condo, and a car to sell. We got furniture to get rid of, stuff to pack, and things to organize. Additionally we need to get her disability to begin, her retirement to start, and her insurance issues settled. I've got to shuttle her to doctor appointments, radiation, and chemo while trying to keep my job. I have to schedule sitters and drivers and worry about meals. I've had to cancel the vacation I was planning with the boys since it is in the middle of her treatments. I'm not looking to whine, I just feel overwhelmed.

It makes the most sense financially to move her into my house - we have enough room. But the real question, do I have enough patience to move her here while I sort out the other stuff and then put her in assisted living? Can I tolerate the mood swings, the yelling, the cursing, and the complete distrust she has in me? I know it is the right thing to do but is it worth my sanity?

Please, please be in prayer for her and me.