Back To Reality

Well, my mom died July 5th and we had her memorial service on the 8th. Then my sister-in-law and nephew returned to England on the 10th and my brother followed on the 12th. I returned to work this week on the 14th and it all seems so surreal. I feel like someone else is in my body controlling my movements. I feel like an outsider looking in and wondering when I will feel "normal" again.

I didn't think I would have a hard time with my mom gone because when she was here all I wanted was for her to leave me alone. She would call almost everyday to see what the boys and I were doing for dinner and now of course she doesn't call, for anything.

My brother has called me several times and told me it is okay to grieve and to grieve for as long as we need too. I think I am might be in the anger stage because it seems so unfair that my mom won't get to enjoy retirement or spend any of the Social Security money she worked so long and hard to earn.

I'm not really questioning my faith, or my mom's, I know she is in heaven and I know this is God's will and His timing. It's not for me to question, but rather to trust. And I will get there eventually, but I just am having a harder time than I thought I would.

I'm grateful to my many wonderful friends who support me. I would be lost without you all. Keep us in your prayers please, I think the boys and I are still adjusting to life without "Nana".

I did want to mention two good things that have come from this:

1. I reconciled with my half-sister Sara. Most of you know she lived with me for a while until she made a terrible decision to purchase alcohol for Matt and his friends. That was two years ago, almost to the day my mom got sick. But now she is living with our other sister, Carey, and has saved some money and holding down a good steady job. She's really gotten herself together and I am very proud of her.


2. I got to spend good quality time with my brother, Chris and his wife and son, Caitriona and Harry. It's possible I have the most amazing sister-in-law on the planet and certainly one of the cutest nephews ever (see picture with Matt & Andrew). I've never really spent time with my brother or discussed in depth anything, but now I have a much greater respect for him as an adult, a husband and a father. My brother and his family are a class act!

So, that's all for now. Guess I need to get on with writing all the thank you notes I have piled up here. For those reading this, THANK YOU!

Mom

I know it isn't Mother's Day but as I sit here in my mom's hospice room watching/waiting for her death I felt it only appropriate to reflect on her life. Over the past month as her health has rapidly declined, many of her friends and family have passed through to see her. As June ended and July began she really lost her ability to speak so now the visitors are more for our family than her. It's been great hearing stories about her life and it has taught me a few new things as well:

1. Choose friends wisely. My mom has friends visiting from elementary school - yes 5th grade friends that she has kept in touch with for years. Not only do they visit, but the send her flowers, cards, and check her website daily for updates. Make sure the people you surround yourself with, are the ones who will be with you until the end.
2. Never underestimate the importance of family. When my mom was first diagnosed she wanted me to call every family member and let them know. But I didn't know all the third cousins twice removed. She of course had all the information for them because she went to all family reunions and really cared about them. She knew the names of their kids and in some cases grand kids. Likewise, they all knew and cared about her. Some of her family she would also consider as friends.
3. Keep the faith. Stay close with God and lean on Him. It doesn't make sense to waste time trying to determine what His purpose is in taking someone to heaven. God has a plan, it is perfect and He deserves our trust. Period.
4. Let others help you. So many people have been great about bringing food, sending cards, visiting, or sharing stories even when we said we didn't need anything. The truth is we don't want anything, but we need to know our mom's life meant something and touched someone else in some way.
5. Laugh. That's it, laugh - especially at yourself. Reflecting back on my mom's life has been entertaining for my brother and I. Never lose your sense of humor, most days it will be the only thing keeping you going.
6. Say "I Love You" everyday. Say it to everyone you love every time you see them. Don't expect that because you rub their feet or do their laundry without being asked that they know you love them. Tell them, hearing it is very important.
7. Don't work too hard. If you do, you won't be able to really enjoy life and living.

Also, I've found new respect for my mom and her struggles as a single mother. I can honestly say I was blessed to have her as a mom because she sacrificed everything for my brother and I and the only regret I have is that she will be gone too soon and unable to enjoy all she worked so hard for. So remember to live, laugh, and love all those close to you.

And Happy Independence Day to you all.